


Bitter Longing

by SpaceAceAmeko



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ;----;, Angst, Have some casual katt, Hurt/Comfort, I was rewatching season 4 and then got hit with feelings because I looked too hard into things, Keith-Centric, Martyrdom, Matt & Keith, Sacrifice, The only thing unforgivable in all of Voltron was brushing over Keith’s near-sacrifice, Well he doesn't in this story, breakdown/meltdown, i'm like being stabbed in the heart with this, keith needs love, my boy is a pure cinamon roll pls love him., someone share in my angst, who said lance has the lowest self esteem?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13340826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceAceAmeko/pseuds/SpaceAceAmeko
Summary: Keith doesn’t regret his decision, not really.Except that the heavy weight on his heart won’t go away. It wasn’t regret, no. But it was… something he couldn’t name.Keith sucks in a breath, grinding his teeth and wills himself to breathe normally. It doesn’t really help, not when the reality of how he’d successfully extracted himselfseamlesslyfrom the team worked. Tears build up in his eyes and he looks around his barren room, the only thing here his jacket that's hung near the door.He needed to leave before the others find out he was still skulking around the castle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _I'm having a lot of feelings. Why did I decide to rewatch Voltron and get attacked with these feelings??? I don't know... but. Please, suffer with me. ;----;_
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> _And more importantly, enjoy!_

Keith had always had this inkling like he didn’t belong. It wasn’t like one of those false senses— where people do try to get along with the person and it’s the person who rejects such connections. It was a sense of emotional isolation, possibly in response to childhood trauma and out of self-preservation. Keith never really had anyone like a loving parent or sibling to provide him such comforts.

 

If Keith was being honest, Shiro, and later and by extension, the team members from Voltron, was the first place he had gotten a niggling of a thought that he could belong there— that he would always have a place. Because, as he was lead to believe, the Lions choose their paladins and for some reason he had thought that… That he’s irreplaceable.

 

In his eyes, his— dare he to call them.. Friends, are irreplaceable. And the more the days dragged on, that’s the way it seemed to Keith. They all provide something instrumental to the team to ensure success.

 

Shiro provides them leadership. He’s levelheaded, calm, and seemingly most important of all, older and wiser. He’s been through more than they have combined, with his time in Galra captivity. Shiro can think objectively, he can be and is their pillar of support.

 

Hunk provides mechanical expertise. Keith is sure Coran would have to do all of the ships’ and lions’ repair all by himself if Hunk wasn’t among them. Pidge wasn’t the hands-on type. Shiro, while he could help out where he can, is honestly rather… clumsy. Lance will help out here and there, but his short-attention span (that comes out in non-threatening situations) dilutes his efficiency. Coran would never allow Allura do to such work, even though she has helped out where she could sans Coran’s knowledge. It was mostly carrying the heavy things (Alteans are _strong_ ). And Keith… Well, let’s just say the only thing he’s good for would be to pass what you need. And even then, be prepared to get the wrong thing.

 

Pidge is good with coding and hacking. They wouldn’t have gotten as far as they had in their missions if they didn’t have anyone on their team who could do that. They wouldn’t have been able to help the Olkari if they didn’t have her intellect and curiosity. Pidge was so young, in comparison to them, and yet so wise beyond her years with her genius. On top of that, she had that emotional intelligence many girls naturally have. Stubborn and strong willed.

 

Lance? He provides so much more than comic relief. He provided the metaphorical glue to keep the team together. Keith is positive, that if Lance was not there, no one else but Shiro would even talk to him. Hell, if it wasn’t for Lance then Hunk and Pidge wouldn’t have been there anyway. Hunk would still  be in his room at the Garrison, Pidge would have missed the pivotal point of Shiro crashing because Lance would not have been there to sneak them out.

 

Even if Lance had reached out to him out of jealousy, even if all he did was taunt, it made Keith feel oddly wanted. Because even if those supposedly negative emotions were aimed toward him, he had a feeling Lance interacting with him made Keith seem more approachable to others.

 

Lance was the glue. Lance was the moral. He was the team’s sharpshooter. God, if Keith could rant to someone about how many amazing plans Lance has thought up on the spot, he’d probably be going for hours (although limited, because they haven’t been in space that long, he would probably repeat them more than once). His plans, combined with Shiro’s leadership, Pidge’s witt, and Hunk’s intelligence, provide the team with a rock solid wall of skills.

 

But Keith?

 

Keith doesn’t have anything, really.

 

Keith was not a good leader (as he had already known, and as how he’d shown the rest of them when, for the sole purpose to just expose his flaws, Black had chosen him). He’s brash and short-tempered, his emotions ate him up.

 

Keith was not good with mechanics. Flying? Sure, he can fly circles around everyone, Shiro included. But mechanics? At the beginning, when he had tried really, _really_ hard to get things right when Hunk or Coran explained things to him. He did, he really did. But the things they said didn’t fit into his mind correctly, it was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. He would mess up wires, use the wrong tools. Even Red had hissed warningly at him one time. After a particularly bad screw-up, he had been booted from the hangers and asked to help by bringing drinks and snacks (although it was done nicely. Hunk never does anything scathingly unless is was true and he was right after they got into some shit; like that time with Nyma and Rolo).

 

Keith was not good with computers or coding, like Pidge was. He had neither the mental capacity nor the patience to sift through the numbers and letters. He lacked emotional intelligence, for whatever reason. He can’t read clues often and language is hard. Any language.

 

And Keith was definitely not like Lance. He was not the team’s morale or glue. He couldn’t come up with plans like Lance could. He had _terrible_ aim.

 

If all of them were bringing something to the table, it would be this: Shiro brings the table, Lance brings the chairs, Pidge brings the dishes and cutlery, and Hunk brings the food. And Keith just stands there looking awkward and out of place because he’d probably be kicked out of the kitchen for trying to help, or kicked out because he accidentally dropped the glasses.

 

Regardless, somehow he’d be kicked out until everything is set up and then, probably out of moral obligation, he would be invited to sit.

 

When they found Shiro Keith thought everything would be back to normal. Shiro would take Black, Keith would get Red back, and Lance would go back to being with Blue. And honestly, Keith didn’t think to far ahead about how everything that happened, including finding Shiro, messed with the team’s dynamic.

 

Or maybe, Keith thinks as he sits on the edge of his bed in his Marmora suit, or maybe he was already thinking and readying himself for the inevitable.

 

It was a surprise that Lance had come to him to advice regarding the matter. Having one paladin too many. _You’re right._ Keith’s subconscious said as he told Lance “solid math.” _We do have one paladin too many._

 

 _“Leave the math to Pidge.”_ He said, giving an awkward smile and hoping his body language gave Lance the confidence he needed.

 

_The one paladin too many is me._

 

His mind whispers, the harshness scraping against his mind constantly. Because look, Team Voltron is now perfect.

 

Allura is amazing with Blue. She’s unlocked so many things, she’s made miraculous progress, she’s the Princess (Queen), and more than likely, Shiro’s intended. It was then and there that Keith made up his mind to extract himself.

 

The next mission Keith volunteers to sit himself out, ready to take this on. He’s ready to accept his fate. But then again, why wouldn’t he? Everything made perfect sense for him to. Not to mention… Red had called out to Lance when Black chose him. _Called out to him._ Unlike with Keith, when she was temperamental up until Keith was ejected into the vastness of space with no second plan of rescue.

 

Red might have been unconsciously glued to Keith’s soul— or however the lions chose their paladins, but even so, _she called out to Lance._ Idley, Keith thinks, like former paladin like lion. Even then, before even thinking about himself being the odd paladin out, he had decided to step down as a paladin. It wasn’t like his crush on Lance was easy to see, after all. And maybe, he thinks with growing pressure behind his eyes, maybe Red chose Lance _because_ Lance somehow knew him better than everyone else. Because she knew Lance would take care of her, and Keith… At least when Keith was still the Black Paladin.

 

But now Keith has neither the desire nor the want to take Red back, if Lance would lose his place among the team. It hurts in more ways than one, but this is what needed to happen.

 

Keith doesn’t regret his decision, not really.

 

Except that the heavy weight on his heart won’t go away. It wasn’t regret, no. But it was… something he couldn’t name.

 

Keith sucks in a breath, grinding his teeth and wills himself to breathe normally. It doesn’t really help, not when the reality of how he’d successfully extracted himself   _seamlessly_ from the team worked. Tears build up in his eyes and he looks around his barren room, the only thing here his jacket that's hung near the door.

 

He needed to leave before the others find out he was still skulking around the castle.

 

Following the appearance of Shiro, Keith had inserted himself into Marmora-run operations and intelligence gathering. He himself started to distance himself from the team. He did more Blade of Marmora missions, missed some critical battles and runs with Voltron, and then, earlier… He’d fucked up big.

 

Strangely, it was a bittersweet fuck up because, although he missed something very important, he had gotten the desired outcome.

 

Black’s acceptance of Shiro.

 

But their glare as he came onto the control deck was jarring. Disappointment, resentment, anger.

 

_“You keep saying you’re sorry, but your actions say otherwise.” Allura had said, brows furrowed in distress. “Do you realize that your absence put the team in jeopardy?”_

 

_“And not just the team, the refugees as well.” Lance pipes up, finally turning his body fully to face Keith in all his frustrated despondency._

 

_“Matter of fact, the entire quadrant was in danger.” Pidge says, arms crossed. Their tone of voice was ripping into him and he looks away._

 

_“This is not the way I wanted this to happen..” Keith whispers out, and probably for the first time he thought on his feet. “But, if there’s a bright side to any of this, it’s that my absence allowed Shiro to reestablish his bond with the Black Lion.”_

 

_Like how it was and should always be, he thought at that time._

 

_Keith sees the miniscule change in their posture: the slackened jaws, relaxed shoulders as they take it in, eyebrows raised as if they hadn’t even noticed Shiro had taken his rightful place as pack leader._

 

_“He can finally be the leader I was unable to be.” The one I should have never become. “I’m not meant to pilot the Black Lion.” I’m not meant to pilot anything._

 

_“Is that why you’ve been pulling away from us?” Their disgruntled expressions drop to one of surprise and concern, shocked at this prospect. They hadn’t thought anything of it. They thought it was Keith being Keith, bad leader Keith being bad leader Keith._

 

_“Yeah.” Keith keeps his eyes down to the floor. “I suppose that’s part of it.” He keeps his emotions in check._

 

_“Part of it? What’s the other part?” Hunk asks._

 

_I don’t belong here anymore. I never belonged._

 

_Keith had half a tick to get his answer on track. “The Blades have been making real headway tracking the source of this new quintessence…” Now it was just regurgitating the information. No emotions involved._

 

 _“It could take weeks, maybe months to pull off, but… If there is a chance… We have..” Keith’s eyes widen, his chest constricts at his hiccup._ No. _“_ I _have to take it. I need to be on that mission.”_

 

_Because he didn’t belong, they weren’t coming with him. Because he didn’t belong, he’d go where he was needed. His voice was urgent. The team might have thought it was because he has a strong sense of duty to do this._

 

_But to himself it seems like he was trying to convince himself. It worked, he guesses by their reactions._

 

_“Shiro, you are the rightful leader of this team.” Keith finally looks forward, and he wonders if they can tell he’s not really staring at any one of them in the eye. None of them look angry now, he idley thinks. “And you proved it today by reconnecting with the Black Lion. It was always meant to be yours.” Keith’s voice said with conviction, because he believed it. Every word._

 

 _Keith had thought, by their stupefied reactions and set worried frowns, that they’d try and at least tell him to stay. To do something other than_ leave.

 

_“Keith,” Shiro clasps his hand on his shoulder, light. The reassuring squeeze does not come. “If this is what you feel is right, then we won’t try to stop you.” He speaks for the team, because Shiro’s word is near law. “But just know that we’re here for you whenever you need us.”_

 

_But I won’t be, his mind whispers._

 

_Keith relaxes his face, his lips turning into the beginning of a smile, “I know you are.” But I won’t bother you. “And I can’t tell you how much that means to me.” His voice was honest. He didn’t have to fake that smile, not really. He meant those words._

 

_Keith lets himself be hugged, lets himself be embraced, in what could be the last embrace, by his teammates. He almost can’t understand why they’re crying. Shiro shows no sign of tears. Keith can speculate that, with him gone Shiro didn’t have to passively fight for leadership. Keith can live with that._

 

_Hunk and Coran might have been pulled into the moment and the emotions, almost comically crying harder than anyone else. Pidge he can kind of understand, as they’d built a fragile comredere, as she proclaims, “we’re really gonna miss you.”_

 

_Keith smiles gently, if he could ever call his smiles gentle as he listens to Lance talk._

 

_“I know you’ll make us proud.”_

 

_The heat is nice, even through his Marmora suit. But he knows this will end._

 

_The hug disburses and Keith walks to the door, sparing one last glance at what he could call his only family._

 

_No one tells him to stay._

 

_Keith gives them one last smile, drinking in the sight of Hunk clinging to Lance in distress. He paused, smile dropping in a frown as he looks down and away. Keith pivots on his feet and walks off, the doors sliding closed behind him._

 

_Keith doesn’t stop until he’s reached the end of the hallway. He pauses and looks back at the doorway, and waits a tick before grinding his teeth and stalks towards his room._

 

_See how everything worked itself out?_

 

Keith’s quiet sobs echoed in the otherwise silent room, and he let it. Let it out, he said to himself, quickly.

 

 _The math problem is solved, Lance._ He thought sardonically, earning himself a chuckle from himself. Keith sucks in a breath, and wipes off his face.

 

He was fine. The team was fine. Keith turns on his mask and grabs his coat on the way out.  

 

_They’ll forget me soon, anyway._

  
_They always do._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The only truly unforgivable thing in all of Voltron that was done, was brushing over Keith's near-martyrdom._

It was funny. Just a bit.

 

_ “The Blade of Marmora can go on without you, Keith. They have for thousands of years.” _

 

Allura told him that right after he lost Regris on a mission.

 

_ “The team cannot.” _

 

That’s what she said. And Keith wonders how much of that he believed. And how much the team believed that. 

 

If they even believed that. 

 

Keith had already come to terms with how seamlessly he extracted himself from the team, even if it was by accidental circumstances. 

 

The work the Blade had him do put his mind on the backburner. It put his fear at being unneeded and unwanted far from his mind. It stalled his need for acceptance and love. It lessened the yearning to go back to a time from before Shiro disappeared. He wouldn’t mind being Galra if it was during that time. 

 

Keith thinks, rather late one night when sleep eluded him, that the reason he chose to go with the Blade was to get away from the possibility of taking Shiro’s place. Especially when Shiro showed up again. Black was his, she always was. Keith didn’t know what Black saw in him, except that he had wanted her help to protect Shiro on that god-forsaken planet. 

 

The only thing Keith was good at was being a good soldier. Being someone’s right hand. He’s good at taking orders, of following through on that order. Keith is good at backup. He’s good being by himself, he’s good at covering up the many more faults people don’t see. And it seems, the thing that Keith is  _ most _ good at, is criticising himself. 

 

And Keith thinks, that maybe he’s been with the Blades for a bit too long. Maybe he’s let all this Galra nonsense get to his head. Maybe Keith was just a lot more susceptible to the influence of his peers and heritage than he had ever thought. 

 

“Maybe not with our weapons…” 

 

Keith grips tightly to the handles of the Galra fighter drone, the reality of his mission crushing his chest. 

 

_ “Wait! Keith, what are you doing?!”  _ Matt’s voice was rather jarring to his ears. And for some reason, Matt’s frantic calling of his name squeezed at his heart more.  _ “Keith, no!” _

 

Keith sucks in a soft breath, gritting his teeth.  

 

_ Victory or death. _

 

_ Knowledge or death. _

 

That is the Galra way, isn’t it? One or the other. Two extremes, two halves, of the same coin. It’s throwing yourself all the way in and not giving yourself an out. Boxing yourself into a corner of follow-through for the sake of the mission. 

 

Keith shifts the gears forward without a second’s thought. He stares the particle barrier in the face, flashes of his team come to mind and he finally closes his eyes. 

 

_ Victory or death.  _

 

_ I love you guys. _

 

Keith shuts his eyes a little tighter, hearing Matt’s echo of his name. That was when he heard it— the breaking of a sound barrier through the vacuum of space and Keith’s eyes fly open, barely able to pull his space pod from the incoming explosion. His heart hammered in his chest.

 

_ “Good job, Keith.”  _

 

Keith furrows his brow, steadying his shaking hands. Briefly he wonders if Shiro would say that had he gone through with it. 

 

“It wasn’t me.”   
  
_ “Huh?” _

 

Keith looks up to the broken ship. 

 

“It was Lotor. The cannon on his ship was the only thing powerful enough to take down that shield.” 

 

Keith takes another breath, squeezing the handles of the ship to stop the shaking he felt. 

 

_ One more second and he would have killed himself for nothing.  _

 

Lotor’s next words were a blur, but he was sure he wouldn’t have liked it. 

 

_ “Keith? Helllooooo? You hearing me okay, Mullet?”  _

 

Keith blinks back into existence, slowly letting go of the controls. 

 

_ “Keith?” _

 

Red fills his vision, her hulking form hovering by him.

 

“Yeah,” Keith responds, throat dry. 

 

_ “You okay?” _ Lance asks, sounding oddly… concerned. And if Keith wasn’t on the verge of a meltdown he would have gotten butterflies in his stomach at the prospect of Lance actually worrying for him.  _ “Shiro said to come back to the castle.”  _

 

Keith looks out the window, seeing Red hovering by and he squeezes the remnants of the trembles from his hands. 

 

“Yeah.. I’m coming.” Keith swallows, hoping his voice isn’t as hoarse as it sounds to his own voice. Lance stays quiet for a moment, as if he was studying Keith like he could see him. 

 

_ “Okay, well, getta move on already.”  _ He says and then, finally, Red turns and flies toward the castle. 

 

That hurt a little, too, for whatever reason. 

 

Keith wonders if Red would miss him if he died. Glancing around the area, all he could see is debris from the wreckage, and all he could think of is how close he had gotten to joining the trash that littered the space around him… if there was anything of him to survive in that explosion. 

 

No one was around and for that he was grateful. 

 

The first wave of emotion hit him like a tsunami. It slammed into him, his heart giving a painful squeeze as he sucks in air like there wasn’t enough in the fighter jet. His hands flew to his hair, grabbing fistfuls like that could somehow, someway, help him get control over the feelings coming over him. He brought his legs up, crushing himself into a little ball, making himself as small as possible in the confined space. 

 

_ I’m alive. _

 

Tears welled and overflowed in his eyes and he kept his knees pressed to his eyes like that would prevent someone from knowing what he was going through. So he let himself cry, and cry loudly. He nearly yelled out, slamming his head back on the headrest.  _ Get a grip on yourself. _

 

_ I’m alive. _

 

_ Victory or death. _

 

_ I’m alive. _

 

Keith didn’t know how long he stayed there, nails haven gone lax along his scalp. His tears ran out after a few minutes. After a good meltdown he would say he was good for another month or so, stuffing his feelings back inside where they belonged. 

 

His eyes felt puffy and raw from rubbing them and his face felt dry and cracky, no doubt from the dried tears. Keith takes a shaky breath, steadying himself before uncurling himself from the fetal position he forced himself into. His body felt oddly sore, like he'd been there for  _ hours,  _ but he knows that’s not true. Meltdowns typically made him feel lethargic and catatonic. Body aches were just an added side effect of them. 

 

Keith wiped as much dried tears from his face as he could before grabbing the controls and cruise-controlled his way back to the castle. Luckily the castle didn’t fire upon his approach and he sighs as he lands the fighter in the hanger. He rubs roughly at his face, trying to get rid of any possible traces of evidence of his meltdown before he gets out. 

 

The reflection of his face on the metal made his eyes look better than they were against his pale skin. Red eyes, the corners of the skin irritated and he clenches his teeth for a moment before taking a breath and activating his face mask, slowly making his way to the bridge of the castle. There, just around the corner of the open doors, stood his team, and Lotor, and Kolivan, and some of the Blades, and some of the rebel leaders. It took a moment for him to realize why the door was open, his brain haven stalled on that. It only opens when one person is near. 

 

Keith turned his head, seeing Matt lean against the wall of the open door, arms crossed. When he noticed Keith, he raised his gaze from the floor and locked them on Keith and Keith couldn’t suppress the shiver at the intention and emotions swirling in his eyes. It was so intense Keith pivoted on his foot and left without anybody else noticing his arrival and premature departure. He could hear footsteps follow his briskly, the swooshing of the door closing. 

 

“Keith!” Matt’s voice rang out in the otherwise empty hallway. Keith flinches, but continued on his way even as Matt gained on him. He didn’t want to run away and make it obvious. He had thought he could have made it just slightly natural… “Keith! Man, what the hell was that?” He asks, grabbing Keith by the arm and jarring him to stillness. Keith didn’t feel strong enough to rip away from his grip. Matt’s hand went around his upper arm, a vice grip as if Keith would even be strong enough, in the moment, to brush it away. 

 

Keith didn’t say anything, staring at the floor somewhere away from Matt, gritting his teeth and hoping this will end soon. The feeling was too raw, too touchable, too fresh. If he opened his mouth, talked it out, he wouldn’t be able to get a word out before his throat clogged with panic and his already sore eyes drowned in tears. 

 

“Say something!” 

 

Keith flinched, shoulders dropping, enough for Matt to notice. Matt was angry, of fucking course he was.  _ Who the hell _ did Keith think he was, so carelessly about to give his life? It wasn’t just that that upset Matt. Matt understood martyrdom, he understood sacrifice. But he only understood it in terms of absolutes. One doesn’t sacrifice himself unless, one hundred percent, the victory would come from that sacrifice. He’s just so  _ upset _ that Keith would even think that crashing into the barrier would  _ ever _ break it, when their weapons wouldn’t. 

 

It was just—  _ frustrating. _

 

Matt didn’t know a lot about Keith. But he knew of him, and he knew what he meant to the team from the time he’d spend with Pidge. He knew Keith was a major player in the team’s dynamic. Pidge had voiced her concern and previous frustration when Keith deliberately withdrew from the team. How he’d taken on more Marmora missions until the final time he went on a mission, it nearly jeopardize the galaxy they protected, and because of that, Shiro was able to reclaim Black. 

 

And then he left. 

 

Pidge told him that the team wasn’t the same without Keith’s explosive personality, with the brash and rather absurd gameplans. It was a lot more mellow, with Lance’s attention no longer on getting under Keith’s skin. 

 

Matt grit his teeth, glaring at the boy that stayed as silent as the grave. 

 

“Fine.” He grit out. “I’m telling them.” Matt says, because they  _ deserved _ to know what Keith was willing to sacrifice for them. Deserved to know he was a tick away from fulfilling it. Matt lets go of his arm and turns, ready to stomp back onto the bridge to let everyone know. 

 

“Don’t!” Keith calls out, this time the one grabbing Matt’s elbow before he took another step back to the bridge. His mask fell and Matt’s eyes widen, surprised at the emotions he sees on Keith’s face. “Don’t tell them…” Keith’s eyes drop down, but Matt could hear the desperation in his tone. The pleading. The parlour of his skin looked ghostly, the whites of his eyes red, the corners irritated with dry skin and rubbing. “Please don’t tell them..” 

 

Matt’s eyes widen. He’d never heard Keith beg, let alone ask please of anything. Matt grit his teeth, taking a steadying breath. He had thought that Keith didn’t care about his near sacrifice. That he wouldn’t have feelings of regret now that he’d lived to see another day. Keith’s grip on his arm tightened near to hurting, although that was more out of desperation. He knew Keith’s grip would crush his bones if Keith was actually in tip-top shape. Matt lets out a breath, shaking his head of such thoughts. Of Keith and his sacrifice, of telling the team. 

 

“Keith…” 

 

Keith’s shoulders fell, making him seem smaller than he already was— already looked. Matt wondered how low someone had to fall to feel like no one would care about their death. Matt shakes off Keith’s hand and he sees Keith make himself minisculely smaller. How his jaw clenches, eyes narrowing and glossing over. Matt sighs again, putting a hand on Keith’s shoulder. 

 

Keith jumps under his grasp, eyes jumping up to meet Matt’s, confused. Matt squeezed his shoulder. 

 

“Don’t do that again.” He nearly whispers, pulling him in for a one-armed hug. He feels more than hears Keith gasp, face at his shoulder. Matt hugs him tighter and he felt the first hiccup. Keith’s body jerking lightly in his hold. Keith’s hands raise to grip at Matt’s clothes and he hugs just a bit tighter in support. “Don’t do that again.” he repeats and Keith’s head drops to his shoulder, shaking with the quiet sobs. “You have people who love you, who care about you. People who will miss you.” He continues, because it seemed like that was something Keith needed to hear. 

 

“Don’t  _ ever _ think your life means less than the mission.” 

 

They stay like that for some time and Matt was glad they were in a rather secluded and out-of-the-way part of the castle. He’d doubt Keith would be comfortable with just anybody walking in on them, or him, during such a charged moment. 

 

Eventually Keith calmed down. He extracted himself from Matt, rubbing at his eyes roughly. He looked worse than when Matt found him, but at least he didn’t look like existence was crushing him. Matt let his hand slip back to his shoulder and squeezed it. 

 

“I’m serious, now. Don’t do it again.” 

 

Keith glances up at him and smiles, just barely. He takes a breath, shoulders dropping with the exhale. 

 

“Yeah…” He mumbles, and after scrutinizing Keith’s face Matt lets his hand drop before turning to walk back to the bridge, idly wondering if the meeting was done. 

 

“Matt,” Keith calls and Matt pauses his walk to look back over his shoulder. Keith gives another smile— still barely there, but it was something. “Thanks..” 

 

Matt smiles back, giving a nod with the understanding that Keith knows he won’t tell the team— so far as Keith understands never to pull a stunt like that again. Matt turns back, not needing to see anything more than that as he walks back to the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I’m debating on whether or not this series will become Happily [n]ever After. Or if I should completely take a different turn. Like, who here likes some Katt?_


	3. Yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Ya’ll made me do it. You’ve awakened the BEAST._

It was a little silly, to think that was how the relationship started. At first, Keith didn’t think he would like another person, and then he somehow fell for Lance. And of course, Lance doesn’t reciprocate. 

 

_ The time of unrequited love is the happiest.  _

 

Who on earth said this sentence?

 

Falling for Lance was one of the dumbest things he’s ever done in his life. Funny how that was his first love, too. Then again, they have also said that first loves never work out. It always hurts a little more to be made fun of by someone you love, even if it was done with “love” and Keith was never one who could take teasing like it was meant to be taken. 

 

It just… He just didn’t like being made fun of. It reminded him too much of his young life. Of his childhood, of all the days following his father’s death. Of being branded  _ orphan _ and  _ unwanted  _ and  _ unloved. _

 

And then he slipped from the team like it was something. Like it was just growing pains for them, him pulling away, letting them down and leaving Shiro back in his rightful place: at the head of Voltron. 

 

It hurt more to realize how much it worked. 

 

And then everything else happened follow that… And then there was  _ Matt. _

 

Matt and his prodding; Matt and his  _ caring _ about his life. 

 

It was from then, that Keith felt.. different. Not that his decision to sacrifice himself weighed any less in the aftermath, but just..  yeah, a little lighter. A little more pep in his step. More energy when he wakes up. Maybe that was all he needed, to be told that he was needed and wanted and loved. For it to alleviate some ache he felt at not being asked to stay when he told them he needed to be on that mission to follow the strange supply chain.

 

Sometimes, what people want and what people need are two different things.

 

What Keith  _ wanted _ was to escape the responsibility of being the Black Paladin. He  _ wanted _ to stay the Red Paladin,  _ wanted _ to go back to a time when everything was a lot more simpler. 

 

What he _needed_ was to be asked to stay. What he _needed_ was to be told he was loved and needed, and that he would be missed dearly. Yeah, they said they would miss him… But being told you would be missed is not nearly the same as _actually_ _being_ missed. To miss is to yearn; to yearn is to seek that which calls your soul. 

 

It was a little weird, then, that that was what he felt from Matt.

 

Not that Matt gave off any feeling that he would feel anything romantic toward him. They did only _know_ _of_ each other, after all. And maybe Keith was just digging a deeper hole for himself than when he had fallen for Lance, but it wasn’t like one could control the feelings one gets. 

 

Anyway, even without the intention of doing it, Matt gave him exactly what he needed, what had been missing in his soul. 

 

The next time their paths crossed was a few days later. 

 

Keith was surprised at it, actually. Because it seemed as if after Matt’s confrontation, that their paths cross a lot more than just speaking on webcam about the next mission. 

 

Then again, Keith could just be exaggerating, thinking up things that weren’t making sense. Because of a lack thereof of upset team members, he knew Matt kept his promise and hasn’t told the others about Keith’s near-martyrdom. And for some reason, that solidified Keith’s trust in him. And maybe one of the biggest reasons he admired Matt, or started to, is because of the way he reminded him of Shiro… Well, the old Shiro. The one that encouraged him to lead the team, the one who never gave up on him. He still believes in Shiro, but something is… off about the Shiro they got back. 

 

Anyway.

 

Matt grins at him as he raises his eyes from the holopad he was reading. 

 

“Hey. Looking better.” 

 

It was so…  _ inconsequential, _ the way he greeted him. Small,  _ simple, _ and for some reason Keith’s heart soared. He grinned back, a little unsurely. 

 

“Yeah, thanks..” He trails off as they come to a stop a foot or so away from each other and Keith had the distinct feeling to keep this conversation going, like there was something there to  _ keep _ it going but Keith just couldn’t put it into words. 

 

“Did you read up on the new missions?” Matt asks instead. Keith shakes his head. “Cool, wanna go grab a drink and look it over together?” 

 

God, he asked it so  _ casually. _ It nearly left no room for Keith to decline. Of course, it wasn’t overbearing and there was an out if Keith  _ didn’t  _  want to do it, but… 

 

“Sure.” Keith replies, smile a bit more genuine as he pulls down the hood on his suit. 

* * *

 

Matt slouches back against the couch in the common room, leg folded up on the edge of the couch as the holopad rests against his thigh. Keith sat next to him, near close enough to touch, looking over the holopad Matt has in front of them. Drink pouches in hand, Keith scrolls down when he needed to, Matt allowing him to scroll at his pace. 

 

It was… nice. 

 

Easy. Matt didn't have any kind of expectation of him. Or at least, it didn’t seem like he did. To be accepted without exceptions was like a breath of fresh air.

 

“Cool, huh?” Matt grins, glancing to Keith as he reached the bottom of the report. “With Zarkon out of the way, insider information, and the rebel alliance growing, it seems like we’ll finally be able to win this thing once and for all.” Matt looks back to the holopad, scrolling through the information once again. 

 

Of course, it only had information and missions the rebels would be on, not the Blades, and Keith wonders if he might be looking too much into it… Because why would Matt invite him to look over missions about  _ his _ organization, which, more or less, have no overlapping missions with the Blades’, other than to spend time with Keith? It was a dangerous thought. It gave him hope where there could be none. Matt could be just being nice, giving Keith a helping hand and support when it didn’t seem like he had any of the support he _ needed _ at the Blade of Marmora. Sure, yeah, they support him… In that they have enough belief in him that he’d get the mission done. But, Keith thinks, and it could be his human side talking, but he needed  _ more. _ He needed the support of someone who understands his struggle, who would place importance on life instead of mission. 

 

Someone, it seems, who isn’t Galra. 

 

“Yeah.. And then you’ll finally able to go home.” Keith says lightly. And he wonders why he said  _ you _ like he also wasn’t able to go home. But.. He guesses, there was nothing waiting for him back on earth. His father is dead, his team is in space, and his mom is some Galra out in the universe doing god knows what. Matt raised a brow, glancing at him. 

 

“You will, too.” He says, simply, like it made all the sense in the universe. Keith smiles, feeling a tad bit warm in his heart. 

 

“Yeah..” 

 

* * *

 

The second time he ran into Matt after what he has been dubbing The Incident™ was a couple weeks later, after they had run some missions with Lotor’s information. It had been relatively easy and painless. Voltron had been coming in hot and wrecking everything they needed to wreck to stall the empire’s crumbling expanse. 

 

Keith had been walking the halls of the castle, haven gotten in late that night to regroup and have a physical meeting with the team for later that morning. He didn’t expect to come across Matt glaring a hole in the tiles of the hallway, completely in his own world. 

 

“Matt, hey,” Keith blinks as he passes, grabbing his elbow out of reflex before he passed too far. Matt jerked— not away, but out of surprise. Keith can’t tell you why he felt compelled to reach out to him. Matt blinks, seeming to come to himself as he stares at Keith. 

 

“Oh. Keith, hey.” He smiles, but it’s strained. “Sorry, didn’t see you there. What’s up?”

 

And Keith was never one for skirting around topics. 

 

“Is something wrong?” Keith asks and Matt’s eyes go wide with surprise for a moment before it falls into something easy. 

 

“You could say that.” Matt sighs. Keith turns to face him more fully, about to ask. “Lotor has information on my father... “ He says, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms, glaring at the floor once again. “For whatever reason, Zarkon got ahold of that information and took him from the lab he was forced to work at…” Matt trails off. Keith stepped closer, lips pursed. “.. He wants to make a trade. My dad for Lotor.” 

 

_ Ah.  _ There it was. The dilemma. 

 

If they turn Lotor over, they would lose their leverage, not to mention the death of Lotor would dampen their plans for universal peace with Lotor as emperor. But then again, if they  _ don’t _ trade him, their father would stay at the mercy of the Galra. They might not kill him; a scientist is very valuable to the empire, after all, but he would no doubt be miserable. Keith leans on the wall next to Matt, half a foot away, shoulder pressed to the cold material. 

 

“What are you gonna do?” 

 

Matt sighs, losing his serious demeanor. He looked a lot younger when he does that, Keith notes. The fine lines at his eyes and the dark circles under his eyes seem just.. a little less. He was Shiro’s age, Keith thinks. Maybe a few years younger. 

 

“Pidge doesn’t even wanna think about going for other plans. I mean, I get it. I want Dad back ASAP, too.” Matt hums, raising his head to rest back against the wall instead of hang, staring at the tall ceilings. Keith’s gaze follows his, wondering if he sees anything, before dropping to Matt’s profile. “But Shiro has always had a weakness for unruly children.” He says and Keith could hear the teasing in his voice. It was… Not as bad as he thought it would be. Though, he wonders if Matt was talking about Pidge, or himself, or if he even  _ knew _ who Keith was before all this, if Shiro ever spoke about him to his peers and friends and colleagues. Matt chuckles, breaking Keith’s thoughts, as Matt finally drops his gaze from the ceiling to Keith. “So, there like a 110% chance of us trading Lotor for Dad.” 

 

Keith smiles, giving a nod. “I’m glad you’re getting your father back.” Matt grins, turning to that he was also facing Keith, leaning his shoulder on the wall.

 

“Thanks. Me too. Although there's like a gajillion percent chance of being double-crossed. Cuz, ya know, it’s Zarkon and whatever.” Matt slouches, expressive in his posture. “Will you be there?” He asks, straightening up a bit in a normal stance, but still leaning against the wall. Keith paused, surprised. 

 

“Uhh— me?” He blinks, completely floored. Why would Keith be there? “I— well, no…” He says unsurely. Matt smiled kindly, though, and it puts his anxiety somewhat at ease. 

 

“Yeah, figured. Lots of Marmorite things to do, huh?”

 

“Marmorite..?” Keith furrows his brow, now getting confused by the second. Matt chuckles and nods.

 

“Yeah. That’s what Lance calls you guys. It’s kinda catchy, isn’t it?”

 

Keith didn’t know how to respond— or if he should or even  _ could. _ Is having a crush supposed to be like this? Constantly feeling like your brain doesn't work? Briefly he wonders if it’s not working because it’s Matt, or because Lance was mentioned and he was still (kinda) getting over his crush? Maybe it was both. 

 

Both sounded just about right.

 

“I— y-yeah. It kinda does.” He finally settles on after a semi-long awkward period of silence for which Matt seemed completely immune to. Matt chuckles, letting his head rest against the wall and made his hair fluff up in the most ridiculous of manners that had Keith pursing his lips to keep from laughing. 

 

“Haha, yeah.” Matt sighs again, sounding a lot lighter than he previously was. “Too bad you can’t come, though. We would’ve made a great team.” 

 

Keith swears, he stopped  _ breathing. _

 

His mouth drops just a tad, his brain stalled. 

 

_ We make a great team. _

 

Keith feels his face heat up, trying to stammer out a response that’s semicoherant as his heart tries to find its way out of his chest. 

 

_ “Keith!” _ Keith jumps, hearing the voice at the speaker of his suit.  _ “Convene on the bridge.” _

 

“U-understood.” He replies, glancing from Matt to the floor as if to not confuse him as to who he was talking to. When his eyes went back up to Matt, he was still casually leaning against the wall, a lazy smile on his lips and Keith’s brain stutters to a halt once more. “Uh— sorry, I-I have to go..” Matt shrugs a shoulder, as if letting him know he understands and Keith’s heart skips another beat before he pivots on his heel, closing his mask as he practically runs away. 

 

What Keith see, though, was how Matt brought a hand up to cover his mouth in light amusement, eyes light. 

 

“Adorable.”

**Author's Note:**

> _Please leave comments because I live off them. So, how was it?_
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>  _If you like my work,[buy me a coffee!](http://buymeacoff.ee/xLWys1YhO)_  
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> _Idk how or why this tirade started but like. It came at me with a vengeance. When season 3 came out and had that "leave the math to Pidge scene" I spazzed to my friend that, at that moment, Keith had already decided to let Shiro have Black and he would sit out (because Keith loves Lance okay?). It makes sense that was when he decided too, since the mission following that Keith was REALLY quick to say he'd sit out and provide support._
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> _And then season 4 came and Keith was pulling away and I just couldn't let his reasons sit as the only reasons why he's been acting like that. Like come on, what kind of person with maladaptive daydreaming would I be if I just let that sit?_
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> _So I rewatched some episodes bit by bit, making sure to keep an eye out for character behavior (did you guys notice that Keith looked to the left and up, like he was trying to think of what to say to make it into a good thing, when Shiro got Black back? Or how, after the hug, Keith frowns before stalking away?) and this is what I came up with._
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> _Please suffer with me. No one even tried to stop Keith from leaving.;-----; It was all like one group hug! Like they don't even have time to give him hugs individually! SUFFERING. ___


End file.
